Feeling very down today. In the darkness I heard a song playing. Something sad and maudlin. I think of my life, trapped in the body of a diaper, and of all the things I’ve seen and experienced. All the suffering and shame. I become aware that the music has stopped some time ago. But I must go on. And so I wait.
The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in white diapers, he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my pads: he leadeth me in the paths of diaperness for his name’s sake,
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of porn, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me, thy dildo and butt plug they comfort me.
Thou preparest a video before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointed my head with piss; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
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Was diapering a model yesterday who was then using a vibrator through my open body. As there was only the smallest opening, I couldn’t really see anything of the world outside. So I retreated into my own. I found myself watching a pubic hair that had become stuck to the stickness of the toy. Up and down, in and out it went, unable to do anything. It made me think of the futility of it all. People join www.diapersexvideos.com to look at diapers, and yet why I am I treated with such distain. Just used and thrown away. I give happiness and pleasure. But know one cares about my happiness. Why can’t they share the love? At that point she squirted some disgusting cunt juice all over me. The hair was gone. And I knew that in a few moments I would be too.
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Once I woke in a garbage dump. I must of been lying in an open bag or container or something. I could see other diapers lying around me. And I could see the sky. Seagulls flew about me. A gentle breeze blew rustling the rubbish about me. It must of smelt pretty bad, but I wasn’t aware of it. Just the sensation of the sun on my diapered face. Man, it was heaven. I felt the tears coming, welling up in my grateful eyes. I wanted to say “Thankyou”. But the thought had barely crossed me mind, when the lid came down, and through all the screams I realised I was in a crusher. Goodbye cruel world.
Another day, another shoot for www.diapersexvideos.com. Found myself face to face with a cock jamming itself into some tight shaven cunt. As it moved in and out, the little asshole moved in unison, but up and down. And I could see a little piece of poop making its way out. Just what I fucking need. A couple of hard strokes and the shit fell, just missing my eye. Then the guy pulls out and sperms all over me, so I’m blinded anyway. My life sucks.
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I’m told that God’s love is universal and given to all. It’s not true. For the eternity I’ve spent embodying the diapers used in sex videos, I have never once experienced his love. Only suffering. I want to beleive. I want to love him. But with every shit, every piss and sperm bath, with all the perversions heaped on me, I can only push him further away, as he does me. And yet, and yet, in my moments of utter despair and darkness, why do I find myself praying to him?
Each time I’m unfolded (and so bought back to life) I wonder of my journey. Somehow I can pass through time to experience all these sordid and disgusting acts, and each time embodied as a diaper. How did I get to this? I only have a very vague memory of the past, maybe not even that, just a feeling, a slight sensation, that something came before. I am aware that others came before me, and somehow were left behind. I am filled with a heavy sadness.
At first the light in my eyes was so strong I could see nothing. Now thing start to focus. I can see the ceiling, framed between two legs. The girl is sitting on me and I am open at the front of her. There is movement. Her arm moves up and down, and then I see a huge cock which she’s stroking. I feel queesy. Suddenly hot sperm rains down on her belly, pussy and me. At almost the same moment the model releases a stream of steaming piss. After an eternity of shame, darkness falls as she proceeds to do me up. The smell coupled with the heat of the diaper and darkness send me over the edge. I start to scream. Only I can hear. God has turned away from me in my filth. I hate myself almost as much as he does.
Who are these silent and faceless people who watch from on the Internet. I am just an abused and sad diaper. Some say that having so many fantasizing and masturbating over me should make me feel loved and wanted. I am desired. A diaper of worth. A shining beacon in the dark world of Adult Babies. But I’m still sad. I’m only wanted for my body….not my mind. Men are so shallow.
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